TRAITOR RADIO INTERLUDE: URGENT MESSAGE FOR WHITE PEOPLE
ANDREA GRIMES: Hello traitors! This is your host, Andrea Grimes, and I’m interrupting our regularly scheduled lack of programming with an urgent message by white people, for white people!
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ANDREA: Friday night, noted left-wing asshole Bill Maher, who’s made a name for himself by trying to get away with doing and saying racist and sexist shit under the guise of “jokes,” did some more racist shit. Specifically, he called himself the n-word on his television program. I’m not going to contextualize it for you, or play you the tape, because guess the fuck what guys
WHITE PEOPLE DON’T EVER HAVE A REASON TO USE THIS WORD. You don’t need to understand the context within which Bill Maher used this word, because it is NEVER OKAY FOR WHITE PEOPLE TO USE THIS WORD. Not with the -A ending, and not with the -ER ending. This word is not for white people! I can assure you that as a certified white person, you have no use for this word!
If you are thinking, right now, about all of the circumstances in which YOU MIGHT, AS A WHITE PERSON, NEED TO USE THE N-WORD, I want you to think about all those circumstances while WALKING SLOWLY AND DETERMINEDLY INTO THE SEA.
I don’t want to hear what about “x example” or “what if I’m walking backwards in the dark under a volcano and trip over the hope diamond and fall into a pile of strawberry flavored narwhals and it accidentally slips out”?????
IF YOU NEVER USE THE WORD, IF YOU NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT USING THE WORD, IF YOU ELIMINATE THE POSSIBILITY OF USING THAT WORD FROM YOUR VOCABULARY, YOU CAN FALL INTO THE STRAWBERRY FLAVORED NARWHALS AND REST EASY KNOWING THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST GOING TO YELL “BALLS” OR SOMETHING.
If you never say it, you’ll never be at risk of accidentally saying it! Like, I say a lot of dumb shit, but I almost never say the word pamplemousse, because there is no reason for me to need to use the french word for grapefruit ever in my daily life. I’m not, at any given moment, due to a lack of sleep or being a huge racist, on the cusp of accidentally saying the word pomplemousse. Or the N-word!
FREE YOURSELF FROM WORRY: JUST NEVER USE THE N-WORD, AND YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO WONDER IF IT’S OKAY TO USE THE N-WORD, WHICH IT IS NOT OKAY TO USE.
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Thank you for tuning into this important message by white people for white people; you may return to brunch, or brushing your horses, or watching “The Big Bang Theory,” or whatever else you usually do with your Saturday afternoons.